Re: Today is your last day as my employer.
You have underperformed and not met expectations. All of the promises you made to lure me to this role, were never kept.
Normally I would give you a 14-day PIP (2 weeks’ notice) before canning you, but you are not worthy, and I am ending your opportunity to employ me effective immediately.
In the middle of reading this note, I have blocked you from all ways of communicating with me. If you have any questions, please submit them to my portal, which I will never look at.
Please return anything of value you have received from my employ or I will have to send you threatening legal notes that I have no intent to pursue. Just to cause you more anxiety than I already have.
I will also send you automated messages in the middle of the night reminding you of how unwanted and unproductive you are, and to sign my correspondence or you will lose the chance to.
If you play your cards rights, I may give you a good reference, to help you take advantage of and sc--w over other employees, but you know I really have no intention of doing so. I just tell you that to make you think I care. You know I don’t.
Signed,
How Does It Feel.