#satire

Hey y’all! Hoping you had a relaxing Labor Day weekend - I hope this Labor Day allowed you what I call the “3 Rs” - it brought you time to recharge, reflect, and reconnect with what matters to you most. My fourth “R”? “Remember” to sign your severance or demotion package today by 11:59 pm CST.

Enough about a holiday that celebrates the American workers contributions. It was Women’s Equality Day last Tuesday so I wanted to celebrate a few of my favorite heroines in “Herstory” (aka History). But before I do, I need to address a question I keep getting. You all know I didn’t take the last name of my husband. That would not be progressive. Many of you ask, “Penny, why hasn’t he taken your last name?” Well…I’ve been championing this change for years but he’s a stubborn man!

Let’s look back in time to a few females I respect:

Marie Antoinette - she is famous for saying, “Let them eat cake”, when the French people were starving, and living in inflation, and many in squalor. For some reason the French citizenry didn’t like the royal coffers being filled at their expense. What? I call that “Penny Economics” or what some of you may call trickle down theory - demote and take away the current peasants earnings and use those funds to pay people’s severance. Oh…I’d be remiss in not saying this…”Cake” means “Crumbs” so when you are trying to put a Christma…I mean a Holiday dinner on the table, you can tell your kids and spouse, “Let them eat cake!”. One foot note - I’m not a fan of how the French people treated her. She was a visionary.

Catherine the Great - ahhh…now let’s talk about humble swagger. She was the empress of Russia from 1762 to 1796. She came to power after overthrowing her husband, Peter III. Talk about moxy! And I like the ring of her title…”Penny the Great”. I digress, apologies. She is often included in the ranks of the enlightened despots…like me! But, just like me, an evaluation of her foreign policy was completed and it was considered a dishonest one. Catherine failed to reach any of the initial goals she had put forward. And just like me - Catherine lacked a long-term strategy and from the very start was characterized by a series of mistakes. She imposed a comprehensive system of state regulation of merchants’ activities. It was a failure because it narrowed and stifled entrepreneurship and did not reward economic development. Catherine called in “Russia Reimagined”.

Those are just two women I wanted to celebrate since we missed recognizing last weeks holiday. Next week I’ll highlight Amelia Earhart’s exceptional aviation skills.

As I wrap up and focus on business, I wanted to share a few more changes in 2026:

• The “Toast to Ted” will be retired and there will be a mandated “Toast to Penny” at regional events.
• We are working on standing-up a BRG for the Demoted.

Enjoy Labor Day today as you reflect on your years of service and don’t forget. “Qu’ils mangent de La brioche”

Hey Y'all! I've decided to channel my inner hungry humble swagger and adopt a growth mindset. I used to care about being a team player and actually executing on work that would move the firm forward. But now I realize I need to grow into a self-serving buzzword machine who cheers for leaderships latest "brilliant ideas" like a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader while shirking actual work like a champ! After all, y'all, it's One Edward Jones and I've got to look out for number one! How will y'all be growing your mindsets?

To All Employees Making $200,000 or Less,

This year’s Labor Day marks a historic shift in our national priorities. No longer shall this holiday be squandered on leisure and rest. Instead, we dedicate it to the true pillars of our economy: corporations and shareholders.

Effective immediately, all workers earning under $200,000 annually are required to report to work on Labor Day. Wages for this day will be graciously withheld in honor of those who truly labor—the board members and investors who bear the burden of quarterly earnings calls.

Refusal to comply will be met with swift and patriotic consequences. Jail time will be administered with love and liberty. 🇺🇸🫡

Let us celebrate Labor Day the American way: by working harder, earning less, and saluting those who profit most.

Yours in freedom,
#47

Team,

I’m thrilled to announce the next bold chapter in our Enterprise Reimagined journey — where we say goodbye to thousands of human jobs (who needs empathy and judgment anyway?) and hello to cutting-edge AI systems that, according to MIT, will have a 95% chance of failing.

Yes, you heard that right: we are betting the firm’s future on technology that is statistically less reliable than flipping a coin. But that’s what innovation looks like! Remember, it’s not about efficiency, it’s about buzzwords — and boy, do we have plenty: synergy, disruption, automation, transformation. Sprinkle in a little “machine learning” and Wall Street can’t resist.

We call this strategy:
👉 “Automate the Ordinary, Humanize the Extraordinary.”
Translation: “Automate your job, humanize my bonus.”

And don’t worry, to prove we’re serious, we’re reinvesting the savings into AI pilots that will definitely, absolutely, probably not work — just like the MIT researchers said. But hey, even if 95% of these projects flop, we still get to put “AI-powered” in our press releases, and that’s what really matters.

So please join me in celebrating this exciting new future where our clients get chatbots that can’t remember last Tuesday, our advisors get tools that crash at quarter-end, and our remaining employees get to explain to robots why they still don’t understand Canadian tax law.

Together, let’s reimagine Edward Jones: leaner, meaner, and powered by AI that can’t do your job — but, fortunately for us, can still replace you anyway.

Sincerely (and with great synergy),
Penny “AI-Is-My-Strategy” Pennington

Circle back Low-hanging fruit Bandwidth Ping Sync Loop in Double-click Level set Run it up the flagpole Boil the ocean Move the needle Circle of competence On the same page Game changer Pushback Buy-in Hit the ground running Value-add Quick win Blue-sky thinking Win-win Touch base Peel the onion Outside the box Swim lane Parking lot it Actionable Granular Raise the bar

https://www.reddit.com/r/TikTokCringe/s/CgL2x1udUc

The comrades I’ve lost… It won’t stop hurting, it's like they’re all still there… You feel it too, don’t you? …they came after you in OCI, then OHAI. Oracle just… keeps growing, swallowing everything in its path, getting bigger and bigger. Who knows how big now…

I thought everything had been taken from me. But now, I really have lost it all. The Boss, and the future we were building together.

If you were part of the layoff, you received 8 weeks of severance, unless you worked at F5 for 13 years or more. Eight weeks. For up to twelve years service. For a company that has had multiple back-to-back record setting quarters.

You're welcome, I guess, for creating product, over the years, that generated those revenues. For a company that claims to care for its employees (and in the past, actually did), this is more aligned with the Jelly of the Month Club.

Is this really the best they could do?