#satire

All this talk about layoffs and VSPS. Come on people- aren’t you watching the news - it’s not about war or inflation or layoffs. Dolly P went tats up. A little respect…

🍲 Starter: Jargon soup
🍽️ Main course: Store visits
🥗 Side: Scorecard salad — results free
🍰 Dessert: Scoops of accents

Fortress of solitude

https://youtube.com/shorts/XK3xIjofxZ0?is=uJCfw1x5fbsKjKyW

I’m at the heart of the chains. And the beatings build me character!

Everyone has been ordered to RTO… Nobody said you had to go INSIDE.

Welcome to the Parking Lot, Suite 2026.

BBQ grill next to the company-issued laptop.

Burgers at 11:47 AM because “lunch meeting.”

Tailgate chairs for the 9 AM Zoom.

Beverages in the cooler labeled “Q4 Financials.”

Wi-Fi mysteriously works better next to the smoker.

Productivity is down 87%, but morale is at an all-time high.

HR: “Why is everyone working outside?”

Employees: “We’re embracing the company’s return-to-office initiative.”

HR: “Why is there a grill?”

Employees: “Team building.”

HR: “Why are there 37 folding chairs?”

Employees: “Collaboration.”

HR: “Who brought the co-----e set?”

Employees: “Leadership.”

At this point, the parking lot isn’t a parking lot.

It’s a corporate tailgate with benefits.

Welcome back, everyone. Please remember to badge into the building before returning to your assigned folding chair.

Our CEO didn’t get GM initials for nothing .

G.M:
Good Man
Great Mentor
Generous millionaire
Giving Man
Godly Man
Good-looking man
Even “My Guy”is GM backwards lol

As Tina would sing … Your simply the best..🎶🎶🎶 Better than all the rest 🎶🎶
Better than anyone… anyone I’ve ever met!

And to all the fat and miserable haters from Minnesota, go back to McDonalds, get a happy meal !LOL

🤫

Just saying, so much fluff OMG

RIP Nike
https://youtu.be/iyEpYUCMUr8

U of M should be DIMBY (Datacenter In My Back Yard). The students will get faster Chat GPT results with the datacenter so close.

Men are leaving the workforce at alarming rates, threatening social stability.

44.07 million eligible men are not in the labor force, an increase of 9 million since 2012.

The workforce participation rate for men dropped to 66.8%, the lowest since 1948.

Bottom Line

Both entities suffer from the same fatal flaw: an obsession with defending legacy turf at the expense of sustainable growth. When leadership views customers and competitors as hostile land-grabbers, strategy devolves into pure protectionism, and eventually, the ranch runs out of money to keep the fence up.

The Spoiler

Verizon will ultimately be sold just like the Yellowstone ranch. Leave the ranch before you're forced to.

Lloyd

​Network Operations & Infrastructure as Rip

​The Shared Flaw: Blind loyalty to muscle over strategy.

​The Parallels: Rip is the fixer who relies on blunt force and absolute enforcement to solve problems. Verizon’s network engineering arm operates with a similar "brand-at-all-costs" muscle, leaning heavily on the legacy "most reliable network" moniker while pounding away at capital expenditure. They fix structural leaks through sheer spend and infrastructure brute force, ignoring the fact that consumer patience is wearing dangerously thin.

Consumer & Marketing Leadership as Beth

The Shared Flaw: Combative pricing tactics and unapologetic hostility.

The Parallels: Beth Dutton’s strategy for handling opponents is sheer we-ponized aggression. Verizon’s consumer pricing and marketing strategy reflects that exact scorched-earth mindset: squeezing existing customers with surprise administrative fees, mandatory plan migrations, and stealth price hikes rather than innovating to win them over. It is an "eat-or-be-eaten" approach that treats customer retention like a hostage negotiation.

Alfonso as Sarah/ Market Equities Corporate Fixers

The Shared Flaw: Cold corporate restructuring and ruthless efficiency over human impact.

The Parallels: Brought in to spearhead massive enterprise transformations, restructure operations, and enforce AI and digital optimization, Alfonso represents the outside corporate force brought into the ranch. Much like the ruthless operatives at Market Equities or fixers like Sarah Atwood, his playbook focuses purely on cold metrics, aggressive streamlining, cost-cutting, and institutional overhaul. This laser-focus on efficiency treats front-line workforce reductions and radical shifts in customer engagement as simple, necessary collateral damage.

​Hans as Jamie

​The Shared Flaw: Costly miscalculations and desperate self-preservation.

​The Parallels: Hans spent years engineering massive, budget-straining land grabs—namely his $52 billion bet on C-Band 5G spectrum and the $20 billion Frontier acquisition—much like Jamie’s legal and political maneuvering that consistently backed the ranch into financial corners. Now relegated to a sidelined advisor role, Hans mirrors Jamie’s tragic trajectory: the architect who thought he was securing the empire's legacy, only to be stripped of authority when the strategy proved painfully expensive.

​If Verizon ran the Yellowstone Dutton Ranch, quarterly earnings calls would sound like land-war council meetings, and price hikes would be enforced at the train station.

​Comparing Verizon's leadership landscape, navigating subscriber churn, massive debt, price inflation, and fierce 5G competition, to the flawed, ruthless cast of Yellowstone reveals striking parallels in how both protect their respective empires.

​Dan as John

​The Shared Flaw: Entrenched stubbornness and forced transition.

​The Parallels: Just as John Dutton fights tooth and nail to defend the boundaries of the ranch against modern shifts, Dan took the reins to salvage an aging telecommunications titan facing subscriber erosion and fierce price wars. Both act as heavy-handed patriarchs brought in to enforce discipline, consolidate power, and demand total compliance across all business units, often viewing changing market dynamics as something to be subdued rather than adaptively embraced.

​If Verizon ran the Yellowstone Dutton Ranch, quarterly earnings calls would sound like land-war council meetings, and price hikes would be enforced at the train station.

​Comparing Verizon's leadership landscape, navigating subscriber churn, massive debt, price inflation, and fierce 5G competition, to the flawed, ruthless cast of Yellowstone reveals striking parallels in how both protect their respective empires.

​Dan as John

​The Shared Flaw: Entrenched stubbornness and forced transition.

​The Parallels: Just as John Dutton fights tooth and nail to defend the boundaries of the ranch against modern shifts, Dan took the reins to salvage an aging telecommunications titan facing subscriber erosion and fierce price wars. Both act as heavy-handed patriarchs brought in to enforce discipline, consolidate power, and demand total compliance across all business units—often viewing changing market dynamics as something to be subdued rather than adaptively embraced.

​Hans as Jamie

​The Shared Flaw: Costly miscalculations and desperate self-preservation.

​The Parallels: Hans spent years engineering massive, budget-straining land grabs—namely his $52 billion bet on C-Band 5G spectrum and the $20 billion Frontier acquisition—much like Jamie’s legal and political maneuvering that consistently backed the ranch into financial corners. Now relegated to a sidelined advisor role, Hans mirrors Jamie’s tragic trajectory: the architect who thought he was securing the empire's legacy, only to be stripped of authority when the strategy proved painfully expensive.

​Alfonso as Sarah/ Market Equities Corporate Fixers

​The Shared Flaw: Cold corporate restructuring and ruthless efficiency over human impact.

​The Parallels: Brought in to spearhead massive enterprise transformations, restructure operations, and enforce AI and digital optimization, Alfonso represents the outside corporate force brought into the ranch. Much like the ruthless operatives at Market Equities or fixers like Sarah Atwood, his playbook focuses purely on cold metrics, aggressive streamlining, cost-cutting, and institutional overhaul. This laser-focus on efficiency treats front-line workforce reductions and radical shifts in customer engagement as simple, necessary collateral damage.

​Consumer & Marketing Leadership as Beth

​The Shared Flaw: Combative pricing tactics and unapologetic hostility.

​The Parallels: Beth Dutton’s strategy for handling opponents is sheer we-ponized aggression. Verizon’s consumer pricing and marketing strategy reflects that exact scorched-earth mindset: squeezing existing customers with surprise administrative fees, mandatory plan migrations, and stealth price hikes rather than innovating to win them over. It is an "eat-or-be-eaten" approach that treats customer retention like a hostage negotiation.

​Network Operations & Infrastructure as Rip

​The Shared Flaw: Blind loyalty to muscle over strategy.

​The Parallels: Rip is the fixer who relies on blunt force and absolute enforcement to solve problems. Verizon’s network engineering arm operates with a similar "brand-at-all-costs" muscle, leaning heavily on the legacy "most reliable network" moniker while pounding away at capital expenditure. They fix structural leaks through sheer spend and infrastructure brute force, ignoring the fact that consumer patience is wearing dangerously thin.

​Bottom Line

​Both entities suffer from the same fatal flaw: an obsession with defending legacy turf at the expense of sustainable growth. When leadership views customers and competitors as hostile land-grabbers, strategy devolves into pure protectionism, and eventually, the ranch runs out of money to keep the fence up.

​The Spoiler

​Verizon will ultimately be sold just like the Yellowstone ranch. Leave the ranch before you're forced to.

Lloyd

This issue needs to be addressed before the new AT&T headquarters in Plano opens.

The Plano campus will have pickleball courts, which means employees may soon be competing against one another on a regular basis. However, virtual employees already have a major advantage: they do not have to spend up to two hours each day commuting to and from the Dallas headquarters.

While the rest of us are sitting in traffic, virtual employees could be using that time to practice their serves, improve their game, and prepare for the Plano courts. By the time the new headquarters opens, employees who have been commuting may be years behind in pickleball development.

This creates a serious fairness issue. The Plano pickleball courts should be a level playing field, but that will not be possible if one group has had significantly more time to practice simply because of where they work.

Leadership needs to act now, before the competitive gap becomes impossible to close. I am requesting that virtual employees return to the office so everyone has the same commuting obligations and the same opportunity to prepare.

We cannot wait until the first Plano pickleball tournament to realize that this problem should have been handled sooner. The integrity of AT&T pickleball is at stake and the time to act is now before it is too late.

I'm the richest woman in America. I have a firm that despises me due to my faults. I have 10 ELT members. Two love only themselves. Each of them loves no one but one is very loyal.

I have a wardrobe that transports me to the “big tent” that I used to reference in 2019…just look at the circus that I’ve created where my pink slips are tickets, the leadership has smoke/mirrors, and the only thing missing from my my wardrobe is a flower that shoots water and a red nose.

I have plenty to eat, a mansion to sleep in, and somehow still can't understand that the only person who still wants me here is me.

If you have PowerPoint skills and thrive under the pressure of being laid off, please apply.

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to clear a few things up based on some of the talk going around here.

There are no layoffs happening or planned at Teradata right now. We’re still focused on the work, our customers, and supporting each other through everything.

Also, for anyone wondering about the positive comments that show up: nobody from corporate, HR, or the leadership team is posting anonymously on these forums. The positive takes you’re seeing are coming from real people who just want to share their side.
Let’s try to keep things positive with each other. We can disagree and still be respectful... it goes a long way for everyone, including the leadership team and our coworkers.

Appreciate all the hard work people are putting in.

Live your legend

I've noticed a lot of USB colleagues noticing that Americans aren't being hired anymore & are upset about that. I see entire floors full of one ethnitity not previously known to our continent. I thought that's what diversity was & we were cool with that! I thought hiring cousins & castemates & taking kickbacks was what DIE (sp?) was all about? Why must people resist letting some others in the global community come-up, my American family has it all already why should yours who may not be as stable yet take-up a spot & income for our unfortunate friends an ocean away?

(Satire about the anti-Indian sentiment post. I swear to God the liberal mind rot sui-idal empathy will end this country.)

Just checking in to make sure everyone remembers that media over networks was absolutely the future. It was clearly the defining strategic vision of the decade, and there was never any reason to question whether combining a telecommunications giant like ours with one of the world's largest media businesses would create enormous synergies and long term value for both customers and shareholders.

The Time Warner acquisition was a masterclass in strategic acquisition. The strategy worked flawlessly, shareholder value soared, and the industry has been racing to copy the playbook ever since. It has become the gold standard for how transformational acquisitions should be executed. It demonstrates how 2 large companies can great enormous synergies when they come together. The only thing acquired faster than Time Warner was our confidence.

How do you file a religious exemption from AI with Optum? I don't intend to use AI and want to make sure that is not used to lay me off. I figure everyone else gets out of stuff in America by playing the religion card.

🤡

Kyndryl is exactly like the salad on McDonald's menu, short lived and nobody will even notice when it's gone.

Congratulations to everyone on successfully participating in the CEO selection process by existing under it.

This is your friendly reminder that we'll all spend more waking hours under our CEO than under most elected officials, yet one is chosen by millions and the other by a handful of board members.

Team,
​First, I want to commend everyone on how beautifully you’ve adapted to our Personal Waste Ownership Initiative. By removing individual trash cans and requiring everyone to carry their own garbage three flights down to the central loading dock, we saved $4,200 annually in plastic liners. More importantly, I’ve noticed a real sense of pride as you carry your banana peels around all day. That is the grit that makes us a family.

​However, Q2 margins are still looking a bit "soft," and frankly, my bonus shouldn't have to suffer for it. To ensure we remain a lean, mean, profit-generating machine, we are implementing the following cost-cutting measures, effective immediately:
​1. The "Breathable Air" Optimization Program
​We’ve noticed a lot of erratic, deep breathing during stressful client calls. To reduce wear and tear on our HVAC filtration systems, the office oxygen levels will be dialed back to a crisp, simulating a productive high-altitude environment (roughly 11,000 feet).
​Action Item: If you feel lightheaded, please utilize the corporate-approved hyperventilation stance (head between knees) on your own time.

​2. BYO-Electricity (Bring Your Own Juice)
​Leaving monitors and laptops plugged into the company grid is costing us thousands. Starting Monday, wall outlets will be locked.
​The Solution: Employees are encouraged to bring their own fully charged power banks from home. For those looking to gamify their wellness, we have installed two Stationary Power-Bikes in the breakroom. If your laptop is dying, you may pedal at a minimum of 85 RPM to generate your own electricity. (Note: Pedaling time does not count toward billable hours).

​3. Micro-Tiered Restroom Subscriptions
​Frankly, the restroom has become a hotbed for unbilled leisure time. To counteract this, we are introducing Tiered Toilet Paper Access:
​Standard Tier (Free): 1 ply, single square per visit, sandpaper grit.
​Premium Tier ($4.99/month): 2 ply, quilted. (Billed directly via payroll deduction).
​Add-on: The Fluorescent Lighting Pass ($1.99/visit). If you choose not to pay, the motion-sensor lights will remain off, allowing you to reflect on your KPIs in total darkness.

​4. Caloric Efficiency & Mandatory Fasting
​The complimentary coffee machine is gone. In its place, we are installing a single, lukewarm Corporate Nutrient Spigot dispensing a gray, flavorless caloric paste. It contains 100% of your daily vitamins, eliminating the need for long, unproductive lunch breaks.
​Bonus: Because chewing is a known distractor, this will strictly be a liquid-diet initiative.

​5. Blinking Quotas
​Studies show that the average human blinks 15–20 times per minute, resulting in roughly 4.8 minutes of total darkness per employee, per day. Across a department of 50 people, that is four hours of unearned sleep daily.
​Please try to synchronize your blinking with your teammates, or better yet, practice the "sustained focus stare." Optical lubricant eyedrops will be available for purchase at the front desk.
​"Efficiency is doing things right. Total corporate austerity is doing things so right it hurts."
​I know change can be uncomfortable, but remember: every penny we save on lightbulbs and toilet paper is a penny that goes directly into securing the company's future (and my new yacht, The ROI).
​Let’s get out there and crush it!

Now that we’re all back in the office four days a week, we’ve started noticing something interesting: there are a whole lot of headphones out there.

And listen, I get it. Sometimes you need to focus. Sometimes Teams is lighting up like a Christmas tree, your inbox is acting like it has a personal grudge, and you just need to put your head down and get through it. We are not trying to outlaw concentration, peace, or the occasional musical escape from reality.

But if everybody has headphones on all day, we may have accidentally recreated remote work, except now we added fluorescent lights, badge access, and a commute.

The goal of being in the office together is to make it easier to collaborate. That means quick questions, hallway conversations, shared problem-solving, and those little “hold on, I know who can help with that” moments that save everyone from three meetings and a mystery spreadsheet.

So in the spirit of encouraging more cross-team collaboration, USB headphones issued for Teams calls will need to be returned at the front desk. Going forward, Teams calls taken in the office will be expected to use speakerphone whenever possible. This helps keep conversations open, accessible, and aligned with the collaborative environment we are trying to build.

We want to make sure we’re using our in-office time to actually connect with the folks around us, not just sit near each other while everyone broadcasts “do not disturb” from the ears up.

So let’s keep an ear open, say hello to the people around us, and make the office feel a little less like a silent library and a little more like a team.

Thank you to everyone who updated their contact information for the RIF packages going out this week. Please complete your knowledge transfer to India before your last day. We value you as a resource.

See you Thursday!

Come on guys!! I know gas has doubled now but we gotta keep the collaboration going and our great culture!! We gotta keep making Rick and the EC millions!!!

/s

To: Team
From: Leadership
Subject: Organizational Updates Under Our People First Strategy

Team,

We have reviewed the results from the employee surveys shared over the past several months.

The feedback showed consistent themes: a desire for greater stability, consistency, clarity, communication, and transparency. We heard those requests, and today we are responding.

We are announcing another organizational restructuring as part of our new People First Strategy.

As part of this strategy, we will be removing several things employees currently value in order to support progress and future alignment.

We understand that change can be uncomfortable. To address that directly, we will be rolling out 12 major organizational changes at the same time.

More details will follow.

—-

Now you guys finish this memo by adding 12 org changes…

https://youtube.com/shorts/rsy5dCqzabY?si=8jOpJRMT4gmoGz96

Even AI is in on the joke Dell has become

original parody rap)

I’m drivin’ in at dawn through the valley of the shadow of Death,
Where the layoffs stalk the highways like they’re huntin’ for my breath.
Every mile feels cursed, every billboard’s a lie,
Talkin’ “culture,” talkin’ “family,” while they watch us bleed dry.

They say “We’re building greatness” while they gut us from inside,
And the only thing that’s growing is the fear we try to hide.
We’re ghosts in the hallways, survivors of the purge,
And the bosses call it “progress” while they watch the profits surge.

We’re living in Michael’s Paradise —
Where loyalty’s a vice.
They preach about their values,
But we’re the sacrifice.

I walk into the office and the silence hits like doom,
Half the desks abandoned like a corporate tomb.
They tell us “Do more with less,” like it’s some holy command,
But you can’t build a future when you’re losing every hand.

The managers are trembling, the directors look scared,
’Cause they know the next email means none of us are spared.
They call it “realignment,” they call it “strategic,”
But the truth is pretty simple — it’s heartless and anemic.

Still living in Michael’s Paradise —
Where the workers pay the price.
They say we’re all a family,
But they don’t treat us very nice.

Now the CEO’s on stage with that polished little grin,
Talkin’ “innovation,” talkin’ “vision,” while the walls are caving in.
He’s flyin’ private jets while we’re drowning in the grind,
And the only thing he’s cutting is the people left behind.

So here’s to the ones who keep the whole thing alive,
Who walk through Death’s valley just to barely survive.
We’re angry, we’re tired, and we’re done bein’ polite —
If they won’t care about the workers, we’ll bring our own damn light.

Still living in Michael’s Paradise —
But we’re done payin’ the price.
If they won’t stand beside us,
We’ll reclaim our sacrifice.

If you think dei is gone, you are wrong. Heard it in a meeting today, sorry old white guys, doesn't matter what you contribute or sacrifices that you have made to build this company. Diversity is more important than being able to deliver value and results, it is our strength! You are the first on the chopping block and they are proud about it......Imagine how happy our customers are going to be when we are so diverse!! can't meet their needs, but we are diverse, it is our strength!!

Stop complaining and go buy more Nike product. Stop by the store and support NIKE. WE ARE IN WIN NOW MODE. BE ON THE OFFENSE AND BE A TEAM PLAYER.

Good job guys! Keep it up! Great leaders lead to great results! You guys are ki-ling it!