#humor

Naming the new Webex devices after himself, G2, is next level trolling. Congrats

I’m going to ask Cigna 🌳 to be my valentine 💘

the reporter asked Eliza which bank has the best AI technology and Eliza answered JPM and GS. oops
lmaooooo

Vivek Gurumurthy or Sudharsan are next in line to give Dan a hug.

Topping the list: not turning off your audible notification for Teams messages. Is the flashing box on your taskbar not enough to get your attention?

CEO:
Good afternoon, Team. I want to thank the 11 of you who were able to join this mandatory town hall on such short notice. We scheduled this meeting early and during your daily commute time so you would be more productive and there would be less chance you might attend. Your presence today demonstrates your commitment to our shared vision of Transformative Workforce Realignment™.

Before we begin, I want to address the rumors circulating online.
No, we are not conducting layoffs.
We are simply rebalancing our talent ecosystem through a series of performance‑aligned, location‑optimized, AI‑enhanced workforce transitions.

Let me explain.

“1. We Are Not Downsizing — We Are Rightsizing”

Some of you may have noticed that your colleagues have… disappeared.
This is not a layoff.
This is Strategic Talent Migration™.

We are migrating talent out of the company and into the broader economy, where they can pursue exciting new opportunities that we have thoughtfully curated by eliminating their roles.
This is what leadership looks like.

“2. Your Performance Rating Is Not About You”
You may have recently received a performance rating that surprised you.
Perhaps you were rated “Exceeds Expectations” for 14 consecutive years and suddenly received “Needs Immediate Intervention.”
Let me be clear:
This is not a reflection of your performance.
This is a reflection of our organizational tax strategy.

We are committed to avoiding WARN Act triggers, and your rating plays a critical role in that mission.

Remember:
When you grow, we grow.
When you go, our SUI tax rate stays low.

“3. Return‑to‑Office Is About Culture, Not Attrition”
Some have asked why we require you to return to the office even though:

• Your office was closed
• Your team is in three different time zones
• Your desk has been replaced by a potted plant
• Your badge no longer opens the door

Let me assure you:
RTO is not about forcing resignations.
It is about rebuilding community — specifically, the community of people who still work here after RTO.

“4. Global Talent Optimization”
We are proud to announce that we are expanding our global footprint in Pune and Manchester. This is not because labor costs are lower.
It is because we believe in unlocking global synergies.
And if those synergies happen to cost 80% less per headcount, that is simply a happy coincidence.

“5. AI Is Not Replacing You — It Is Empowering You”
Some of you have expressed concern that AI is taking over your job.
This is a misunderstanding.
AI is not replacing you.
AI is freeing you — from your responsibilities, your role, and your employment.
We are committed to ensuring a smooth transition as you train the AI that will empower your future successor.

6. “Why You Didn’t Receive a WARN Notice”
I want to address this directly.

You did not receive a WARN notice because:
• We did not lay off enough people at once
• We spread reductions across multiple 30‑day windows
• We reclassified separations as “performance‑aligned exits”
• We encouraged voluntary resignations
• We relocated roles to places you cannot physically reach
• We believe in agile workforce management

WARN notices are for companies that lack creativity.
We are innovators.

***Q&A Session***

***Employee:***
Why are so many people being rated poorly all of a sudden?
***CEO:***
Great question.
We are committed to data‑driven performance excellence, and the data shows that our reduction targets require a 17% increase in “Needs Improvement” ratings.

***Employee:***
Why are U.S. jobs being moved offshore?
***CEO:***
We are not moving jobs offshore.
We are expanding global opportunities while sunsetting domestic redundancies.

***Employee:***
Are more layoffs coming?
***CEO:***
We do not comment on future workforce transitions.
But we can confirm that ***your role is critical to our success*** — until it isn’t.

***Moderator:***  
Now that's all the time we have. Sorry (not) we can't take any more questions.

Closing Remarks

CEO:
Thank you for your continued dedication to our mission of Sustainable Workforce Optimization™.
We value each and every one of you — especially those who remain after this meeting.
Remember:
We are one team.
One vision.
One continuous reduction cycle.

Have a great rest of your day, and now please check Workday for updates to your performance rating.

Stay geyser, my friend!

Its obvious Mike is tired and stressed after everything hes been through. He's made tough decisions all while making almost nothing. I mean this man blew out his knees for us. Is there anyway any of us could return the favor? If I had been in Covington I would have un-zipped it right on stage. He's earned it!

Great job VK up 15% over the last twelve months!! Almost as good as the S&P500.
Just 1 percent better and you will be right up there at average!! Woohoo

Every UP employee is safe for now. Thanks to the STB rejecting the application merger on January 16. We will get you guys next time.

Vena

I did not get laid off today… oh well, there’s always another Tuesday.

So does the relationship-driven in-person culture encourage executives asking both male and female employees, if they prefer boxers or briefs? I am guessing it must, if BD and the Board decided to hire Marky - wanna be - Mark. I wonder if there will be an undergarment question on the pulse survey. I certainly hope so.

And I guess it’s also okay to ask your employees about their “weirdest dreams”. To protect yourself against ‘woke’ complaints, be sure to consult with a high-powered law firm similar to Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton and Garrison. I hear they are AMAZING. Hopefully with the right counsel, you can avoid costly litigation by simply apologizing for your “clumsy” comments. (Google “Blackrock off-color remarks”)

I am so fortunate to be going back to the office, as are our associates and our interns. Where else could we be mentored by such a titan of the industry?

Does UP have a similar process for certifying locomotive engineers or will us NS guys be able to run with our NS license.

On NS they send you to McDonough and let you tear open a Cr--ker Jack box. Inside is your certificate. Is UP the same?

Give me a break. dont keep trying to sell me on this pile of cr-p. I takes forever to get through to talk to a person, and then they start quizzing me on my mobile phone service? NO...dont even! I tell em I use a soft phone on my TRS80, that confuses them.

Someone tell engineering to put back the old color scheme, the new one is horrible

Mark my words: Skims and Lisa will save Nike!

Let’s hear it……!!!

From an internal board: What you’ll find out on 1/28

You wake up at 10:00 a.m. for your 10:00 standup. You open your laptop, planning to tell the team you have no updates. You try to log into your Mac. It doesn’t work.

Panic sets in. Oh no—I'm going to miss standup. My manager is going to ki-l me.

You grab your phone to message the team on Slack. Slack won’t open. You’ve been logged out. Now you’re really freaking out. What is happening?!

You start trying to remember every paging alias. Okay, I’ll just page everyone.
You send paging emails from your personal email.

There’s a typo in one alias. You accidentally page Andy Jassy.

Andy Jassy’s executive assistant gets the page. She looks at her pager and sees your name. Who the he-l is this?
Then another page comes in.
Then another.
And another.

Her phone won’t stop ringing. It’s completely unusable.

She jumps out of bed and wakes Andy.
“Hey Andy.”

Andy rubs his eyes. “No. Hey.”

“Sorry Andy,” she says. “My phone went totally bananas. Everyone is paging you.”

Andy snaps back, “Too many bananas. So we asked ourselves: what’s the best way to get rid of bananas? That’s why we eliminated bananas. If you think about it, it’s just layoffs. Bananas go nuts.”

Then he rolls over and falls back into a deep sleep.

That’s what you’ll see on 1/28.

Brace yourself.

thank god for fern

I’m still here

As valentines day approaches in the US remember everyone you are suppose to love your job and devote all you have to the mission of your corporation. Don’t be planning any dates, making reservations at nice restaurants for you and your partner. You need to be home working on your laptop to help improve the results of the corporation.

Showing your love in this way is how the corporation knows to let you stay though Feb 13th 2026. May 15, 2026 will be the next review of your loyalty. Just watch these dates and see how many of your co-workers were not able to put the corporation as the first love of their lives.

https://www.boredpanda.com/billionaire-changes-name-of-boat-after-realizing-what-it-spells-backwards/

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17ey7yzQam/?mibextid=wwXIfr

If you ever watched the movie, Meatballs, you’ll feel a connection working for this company. All of us can chant, IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER! Poor Morty!

Here is a video that outlines her layoff plan during this skit. You can even see her picture on the wall at the beginning of the vid. If you listen really close you can even hear her voice. “Hey, that’s me….that’s me at the top.”
.
https://youtu.be/K7ISnXf6Geo

Yo, his palms are sweaty, thumbs weak, signal's heavy
There's "SOS" on his iPhone already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bars, but the bars won't drop, network's dead-y
CEO Dan Schulman, new boss in the saddle
Just axed 13,000 jobs, now the company's rattled
"Simplify, leaner, scrappier," that's the motto he spouts
But customers screamin', "Where's my data? Get out!"

He opens the app, but the outage hits the floor
Tries to call support, but the lines are no more
Engineers deployed, "We're fixin' it quick!"
But it's been hours, Dan, your AI savior's a trick
"AI-powered CX," yeah, that's the big hype
But when the network tanks, even chatbots can't type
Lost market share to T-Mobile, they're laughin' and dancin'
Verizon's churnin' customers faster than romancin'

Guys I need everyone to hop on for an emergency meeting. My boss needs a 200 page deck tonight to meet with their boss at 8am tomorrow morning to discuss today’s key pivotal critical learnings from the massive network outage. Please use corporate approved formatting. I will be reviewing font sizes, headings, color schemes and ensuring each slide has page numbers. Also please provide a 400 slide appendix for backup. I need this NOW. OR ELSE. Thank you! #playingtowin

Krispy Kreme has free 'SOS' doughnuts
Leave it to Krispy Kreme to sweeten a situation. The doughnut chain is giving away free Original Glazed doughnuts from 5-7 p.m. Wednesday night to those who had to deal with "the frustrating 'service outage' today," the company said in a statement sent to USA TODAY. (One free doughnut per customer.)

Krispy Kreme also posted about the outage offer on Instagram and X saying, "because some days need a sweet backup plan you can rely on."

LMAO. I logged into my account and tried to connect to chat for support. Its completely down. Customers phones dont work and customer service is not available. SET THE FOUNDATION!!!!

As part of Verizon’s commitment to delight customers, we’ve implemented a digital detox starting this morning so our customers can get off to a good start in the new year!

Top 10 sports jargon that Nike will use as business strategy in 2026:

1. No pain no gain
2. No blood no foul
3. Just rub some dirt on it
4. Trust the process
5. Defense wins championships
6. Both teams played hard
7. It’s a business
8. We can make the play-in
9. If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying
   … And my favorite at number 1
10. Ball don’t lie!

JPMorgan Chase |
cameras blink like tired eyes, |
silence signs the checks.

The only thing he should’ve been impressed with was the enormous number of calories I managed to consume worth of free food along with the excessively large amount of chips and cookies and candy and bagels and muffins that I managed to smuggle out out of the office in my backpack.

(and yes, for all the trolls who will inevitably jump in here… this means I am a slacker who has never had a “real” job and definitely not just a normal hard-working employee trying to maintain their sense of humor amidst an admittedly shi**y situation.)

Peace out and congratulations to everyone who survived their first week back with their sanity intact.

Got laid off by T last year. Now at Comcast NBC Universal. If you moved to Dallas (I wasn’t able to) do me a favor and go to Universal Studios Kids Resort in Frisco, TX. It will help my bonus. Opens in May. SpongeBob, Shrek, other attractions. Thank you in advance.

https://www.wealthmanagement.com/regulation-compliance/federal-court-sanctions-envestnet-for-destroying-evidence-in-trade-secrets-case

Stankeyville, Stinktown, Stank’s Folly, The Mistake by Lewisville Lake, Stankeygrad (kind of makes sense for a narcissist like him).

Let’s have some fun.

Don't forget to set your alarm clocks back to the pump and grind tomorrow
Lol 😆 🤣 😂

You shall be terminated as soon as the company can possibly do so.

They will now be called Hallucinations